


The Adventures of Captain Sarcastic And Kid Rhetoric

by Rhiannon_A_Christy



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU after Avengers, Darcy is Tony's PA, F/M, Humor, Not Iron Man 3 Compliant, Not Thor: The Dark World Compliant, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Prank War, Pranks, Romance, Some angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Talk of Suicide, Tony and Pepper never got together, Tony is an ass, UST, mild spanking scene, sort of, sort of resolved on the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-03 07:49:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1736933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhiannon_A_Christy/pseuds/Rhiannon_A_Christy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy never thought working as Tony Stark’s PA would ever be in her future, but there she was living in Stark Tower and wrangling/babysitting Iron Man. The two are attracted to each other, but neither knows how to deal with it. Tony is an ass, and likes to tease and annoy Darcy, a boy pulling a girl’s pigtails on the school yard. Darcy soon decides enough is enough, and it is time to fight fire with fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kids on the Schoolyard

When Darcy Lewis took the internship with Jane Foster she had no earthly idea of what she was getting herself into. Had she, she wasn't sure she would've hopped on the plane to New Mexico. The moment she had signed up she hadn't thought that she would one day meet an actual Norse god, nor had she thought that she would end up working for Tony Stark. But there she was, sitting at the bar of Stark Tower with THE Tony Stark.

It was all surreal, working as Stark's PA. She hadn't been sure she had heard Jane right when she had called up about six months ago. She had actually accused her friend and ex-boss of playing a joke, but Jane had been patient with her and waited until she had finished laughing. She then proceeded to tell Darcy about how Thor had been singing her praises to Mr. Stark, subsequently causing him to offer her a job. Of course offer was really a relative word in that situation, because what actually happened was that twenty-four hours after she got off the phone with Jane, Darcy found herself confronted with Mr. Stark's ex PA and current CEO, Pepper Potts.

From that point on it was a whirlwind of activity. Darcy was told that she really couldn't say no, Ms. Potts ensuring her that all that would accomplish would be making sure that Stark himself came to fetch her. Something she said she wouldn't wish on anyone. Darcy's apartment was packed up, most of it put in storage as Ms. Potts told her that most of her requirements would be taken care of. All of her affairs were put in order, bills paid off; ass of a boss told where to shove it. And in just four days Darcy Lewis found herself on a plane headed for New York.

That was all six months ago, and Darcy still couldn't believe it. Mostly she couldn't believe that she was still working for Tony "Ass" Stark. It wasn't too bad in the beginning. He had been as cocky and self-centered as everyone had warned her about, but she had dealt with the ego of a fucking Norse God, she could handle one mortal man. Or so she thought. It only took a week for the novelty of everything to wear off. So what if he had given her an entire floor of the tower as her fucking apartment, so what that her closet was filled with clothes that cost more than her parents' house? So fucking what if she had been given her own driver and car, the latest in Stark phones, laptops, and any and all technology? All of it didn't matter when her boss was a self-serving, piggish, womanizing ass. So why the fuck did she still work for him, and why did she want nothing more than to jump him? Looking over at him she was beginning to think she might be crazy.

* * *

"JARVIS, please locate Mr. Stark." Darcy slipped on her glasses one handed while trying to balance seven three-ring folders in her other. She pushed the delicate rims up the bridge of her nose. They, like everything else she now owned, had been bought brand new by her boss.

She had never really been careful with her glasses before, normally taking them off and tossing them on her bedside table at night without care. These on the other hand cost about as much as a fucking house.

He had presented them to her about three months ago, before then he would constantly tease her about her old scratched lenses. When she opened the case containing them he had waved off her excitement as saying he was tired of seeing her in the old ones. She almost threw them back at him, mostly after she saw the four stones set along the rim. She didn't have to be a genius to know they were real.

"He is currently located at his Malibu residence, Ms. Lewis." JARVIS's voice rang out throughout Darcy's office. She wondered if she was just imagining the note of annoyance in the AI's voice, because he sounded just as exasperated as she felt.

"Of course he is. I seriously can't understand how Pepper has done this all these years without killing him." Setting down the folders on her already messy desk, Darcy removed the glasses she had just put on and pinched the bridge of her nose…hard.

"Ms. Potts regularly attended Yoga classes and indulged in a nightly glass of wine. There are several openings for Yoga classes throughout New York, if you would like me to enroll you in one."

Darcy couldn't help but giggle at the AI, for all the time he had spent listening to Tony, as well as her, he had yet to understand such concepts as rhetorical questions and sarcasm. Though sometimes she wondered if he didn't play dumb for his own strange amusement. She never could tell one way or the other when it came to Tony's inventions.

"I don't think twisting myself into a pretzel is going to keep me from killing Tony." Darcy ignored the growling of her stomach at the very mention of any kind of food. She needed to deal with Tony before anything else.

"Patch me through to Mr. Stark, would you JARVIS? Thanks." Darcy could feel a headache coming on, and all she wanted to do was go back to bed. Sadly with Tony's latest antics she doubted she would be getting any rest until the early hours of the morning.

"What up, Buttercup?!" It was easy to hear the note of laughter in Tony's voice, he knew he was pissing Darcy off and it only amused him. It always amused him.

"Me, at five fucking o-clock this morning. And you know why I was up at that ungodly hour?" Darcy had a rule, one that she would have made into a law if she ever had the chance: she did not get out of bed until at least seven in the morning. If the sun was not up then it was just unnatural to be awake.

"Oh I know this one, just give me a minute."

"I was up at the ass crack of dawn because I had to prepare for _your_ appearance with the rest of the Avengers at a benefit for the one year anniversary of the New York Battle. I had everything ready, and guess what?" She had told him about the benefit months ago, Pepper had told him, Bruce had told him, hell he had even a reminder from fucking Director Fury. She knew he remembered; he was just being his typical pain in the ass.

"You realized how much the benefit was going to suck and decided to join your favorite, sexy boss at his house in Malibu?"

"No, I found said annoying, bastard of a boss gone. Tony, you can't miss this one. They are going to reveal a statue dedicated to the Avengers; everyone is expecting you there for pictures." Darcy plopped down in her chair, replacing the glasses on her nose. She knew he hadn't wanted to go; he had practically thrown a tantrum like a little child.

"I'll be there by satellite. That is the best I can offer. I'm working on…something important." Tony's voice hesitated a bit as though he really had to think about his answer.

"What can be more important than being honored by the city you saved and remembering those that died?" Turning on her computer, Darcy started setting up with the benefit coordinators the means for Tony's satellite conference. Because at that point Darcy knew that was the best she would get.

"Um, your birthday present?"

"You already gave me my present, try again." Darcy clicked away at her keyboard wishing that Pepper was there for guidance. Of course she was at the offices overseeing the special presentation that Stark Industries would be giving at the benefit; a presentation that Tony was supposed to head up. Pepper would not be pleased.

"You and I both know this benefit is not really about the survivors or casualties. The entire thing is simply to show the world that everything is fine, when it is not. It's a fucking smoke screen and you know it." Tony's voice had grown harsh, but Darcy couldn't blame him. She had been told that he had changed after the battle, where he was willing to sacrifice himself to save New York. At one time the benefit would have been something he would have taken over, turning it into _**the**_ party of the year.

"Even so, you're supposed to be there. There are thousands of children and girls waiting there to see you, talk to you and get pictures taken." And by girls she actually meant hundreds and hundreds of women looking to catch the Great Tony Stark's eye and end up spending the night in his bed.

At least with him in Malibu she wouldn't have to worry about throwing some random woman out the next morning. Unlike Pepper, Darcy didn't send their clothing to be dry-cleaned or called a taxi. She barged into the room, turned on the lights before flinging off the blankets and telling the woman to remove herself before she got the Hulk to do it for her. Tony paid her to put up with his shit; he didn't pay her to put up with theirs.

"Set up a booth, get the contact info for each and I'll send them all a personalized Iron Man photo."

"Tony! Ugh!" There were times she really wanted to bang her head on her desk several times, but then there were times she wanted to bang Tony's head against her desk. One could guess which she wanted to do at the moment.

"Not enough? Fine, I'll also send them a hundred bucks each."

"UGH!" Knowing that if she remained talking to him any longer she might actually quit, Darcy clicked off from him and then proceeded to remove her glasses and smack her face onto her desk.

"Tony giving you a hard time about this evening?" Jane chuckled as she entered Darcy's office. When she had set up a job for her friend with Stark she never could have predicted how things would end up.

Oh, Jane knew they would end up getting on each other's nerves at some point. Darcy could be a little hyper, and had a mouth that would make a sailor blush. And Stark, well Stark annoyed everyone. So when the two started complaining about the other, doing little things to rile the other up, no one batted an eyelash. When that teasing became flirting that soon turned into unresolved sexual tension, everyone couldn't stop blinking.

It shouldn't be such a problem, they were both single, both friends…well sort of. The problem was that when two childish adults ended up in a situation like they were in, it was never handled well. No, instead of acknowledging their attraction they decided it would be a much better idea to annoy the hell out of each other, going so far as to pull pranks. Jane hated to be crude, but Clint was right, they needed to just fuck and get it over with.

"I wish he was just giving me a hard time, a hard time I could deal with. No, he has put me in an impossible position." Darcy looked up from where she still had her forehead pressed to her desk.

"Don't tell me he is refusing to go? Fury is going to blow a gasket." Jane moved slowly towards her friend, slightly afraid that she would explode.

"Oh, not only is he not going, he is in fucking Malibu! Now I'm left here to try and set up satellite feed so Tony can say thanks and sorry and go on his merry way, while I get yelled at by Fury and scolded by Pepper. I'm going to fucking kill him when he gets back." Darcy picked up her head and slammed it back down again, then once more for good measure.

"I'm sorry, what are you going to do?" Jane laid a hand on Darcy's shoulder, hoping to stop her from pounding her head in to the desk anymore.

"What I just said I'm going to do, nothing else I can. I really don't know why I still have this job really, because he never does anything I say." She lifted her head, but before she could slam it back down Jane placed a hand on her forehead and pushed her back in her seat.

"He listens to you, but you know how much trouble he's had since the battle. He pretends, but Pepper said that he has changed. Crowds bother him anymore. Maybe this is for the best; he always drinks himself into a stupor when he has to attend functions." Jane had witnessed one such instance. There had been a huge event held by his company, a fundraiser for the orphans of the New York battle. Jane had attended half the night before she had to leave to finish her research.

It had been around three in the morning when Jane had returned inside of the Tower to find Stark buck ass naked, and three sheets to the wind. Apparently he thought the common room was his room and had stripped to sleep. Not knowing what else to do she had woken up Bruce to deal with the naked man.

"Yeah, you are just worried he is going to start undressing again. I don't get you, the man is fine." It didn't really surprise her that Tony turned out to be a naked drunk, though it still took him awhile to get to that point. Thankfully she stopped with the drunken naked phase in college.

"Right, and on that note I'm off. I've got a few things to prepare for tonight." Jane waved at her young friend and left. No one knew if Thor would end up returning, they had no way to actually contact him. Jane, though she felt silly, had flown to New Mexico and yelled up at Heimdall the day and time. But Jane wanted to be ready just in case it worked and he showed up.

Darcy watched Jane leave before slamming her head back down.

"Tony Stark, I am going to make you pay for this."

* * *

Tony leaned back in the couch, his eyes closing as he chuckled at the conversation he just had with his PA. There was just something amusing about pissing her off, but then again she delighted in angering him as well.

He had known that Darcy was going to be livid when she realized he had left, but Tony could not deal with another one of those fucking events. Not that day. No, all he had really wanted to do was to laze about with a beautiful woman and a bottle of single malt. And by beautiful woman he realized he meant his PA: Darcy Lewis.

When he had offered to give a job to one of Thor's little friends, he had been expecting someone like Jane Foster: pretty, but mousy, and a huge science buff. He had not been expecting his new PA to walk into his office looking like sex on legs. And that was what Darcy was, all curves and pouty mouth. To make it even better the woman actually had something in her head besides visions of shoes and soap operas. She was smart, and though most people didn't know it, that was a fucking huge turn on for him.

Tony brought the tumbler in his hand to his lips, sighing at the burn of the fine scotch. His eyes opened as he pulled his phone from his pocket and pulled up a photo that he always kept on there. He sat up fully and raised his glass.

"Here's to you Agent." Tony threw back the rest of his drink and clicked his phone off before tossing it across the couch. He probably shouldn't have left New York, he knew he was only going to get shitfaced and it would be better to do so with someone there to make sure he didn't take off on a drunken flight.

Tony refilled the tumbler, resisting the urge to call Darcy again. She was probably beyond pissed at having to deal with his escape. He smiled, he was sure he would find a little surprise when he got back. Maybe he would just stay in Malibu for a few days, allow her to cool down.


	2. Ping-Pong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony returns to the Tower, Darcy finds out just how much Tony isn't playing around. Tony, is as always, an ass.

Darcy marched through Avenger's Tower, her sensible heels clicking along the floor in a steady beat. She laughed to herself; she never would've thought the day would come where she would be wearing sensible heels. But there she was, business woman Darcy Lewis: Personal Assistant to Tony Stark…the soon to be dead Tony Stark.

It had been close to a week since the benefit, and he was just now arriving from Malibu. The fallout from his no-show had been left for her to deal with, and just like she had predicted Fury lived up to his name and Pepper had scolded her. Though in Pepper's defense she had handed her a glass of wine first and told her she understood as it had happened to her on more than one occasion.

"You are one brave man to show your face here, do you know that? I had to deal with Fury glaring at me with his one eye, do you realize how unnerving that is?!" Darcy pushed her way into the lab, the doors practically flying open as she marched forward. She had learned it best to avoid knocking, at least when it came to the event where she needed to scold him. Which when she thought about it, happened over half the time.

"Good afternoon to you too, Ms. Lewis." Tony looked up from his worktable, plastering his most winning smile on his face. It never actually worked on Darcy, but he figured as many times as he had used it on her she had to be wearing down.

"Don't." Coming to stand beside the table, Darcy placed her fists firmly on her hips in what her mother called her 'bitch pose.'

"What, no hug or welcome kiss for your boss?" The smile quickly shifted into an exaggerated pucker, Tony leaning in. So, it was probably a stupid move, he knew she wouldn't hesitate to punch him right in the face.

"I'd rather kiss the Hulk's ass thank you very much." Ok, so that was one of the biggest lies she had ever told. The Hulk was a sweetheart…well to her anyway, but lately she found her thoughts straying ever more to what it would be like to kiss Tony Stark. She was beginning to really despise herself for that.

"I'll be sure to mention that to Bruce, he'll be flattered." With a wink Tony turned away from Darcy and back to the project he had been working on. He knew it would piss her off, the wink and ignoring her both, still he found her cute when she was mad. It was probably why he tried to irritate her at least once a day.

"Tony…" She adored Tony's mind, his genius, but there were times when she really hated his work, mostly when he used it to ignore her.

"You're not still on about that silly benefit thing, are you?" He huffed, flopping back in his chair until his head just about hung off the back. He blinked up at her, watching as the fists on her hips clenched and unclenched in frustration.

"Yes, I am! Ok, I understand why you didn't want to show, but you had already made an obligation." She flung her arms up into the air before combing her fingers through her hair. She despaired the state of the careful bun she had twisted it into that morning.

"You can't possibly understand why I didn't go." Tony shot up quickly from his chair, putting a bit of distance between him and Darcy. He hated to talk about what happened, about his feelings on the matter, but she somehow always maneuvered the conversation that way.

"Tony, I'm not stupid. I know you have anxiety attacks, JARVIS keeps me abreast of them." Darcy took a couple of steps towards him, but stopped when she noticed him backing away. She had tried to talk to him on several occasions about seeing someone; a professional that could help him with his PTSD, but he never would listen.

"It has nothing to do with that; and JARVIS is going to pay for that one." He would have to have a talk with J. It was annoying how the backstabbing AI seemed to like Darcy more than him. He was sure that was illegal or something.

"What does it have to do with then?" She knew her voice was pleading, but she was tired and it hurt to see Tony bothered by anything.

"Those benefits are all boring…" He waved his hand, trying to brush it all off. Sadly Darcy was much like Pepper and could always see through his bullshitting.

"Tony." Not caring if he tried to back away, Darcy stepped forward. Thankfully He remained where he was.

"Oh come on, just give a few extra million to the charity and they'll be singing my praises again." He leaned his hip against the worktable, arms crossed over his chest. He knew she was advancing on him, but he turned his head away and refused to look at her.

"Tony." She stopped right in front of him, her fingers curling around his wrists. She didn't try to unfold his arms or move him, just rested her hands there.

"Fine, maybe I didn't want to be surrounded by a bunch of blowhards that have no idea what it was like that day? How many actual survivors were there? Maybe I didn't want to spend my day surrounded by people that don't know what it was like to watch people die, or to be the cause of it." He was no stranger to those types of benefits, the ones where all the snotty rich people gathered together in a room to pat themselves on the back for acknowledging that something needed to be done and throwing money at it. He used to be one of those people, he used to schmoose with the fat-cats and think he was doing the world good when really he was just doing more harm. He didn't want to deal with those types of people anymore.

"Tony…" She took that last step forward so she was practically plastered against him, her hands slipping up until they rested on his elbows.

"Don't." He uncrossed his arms, placing his own hands on Darcy's shoulders so he could gently push her away. He couldn't handle having her that close at the moment, he feared he would do one of two things: Lash out at her or kiss her. He doubted either would be a good idea. "Just send them the extra money with a few of the signed action figures stored in the basement."

"Alright…" Darcy allowed herself to be pushed away, even though all she really wanted to do was pull him to her and hold him until everything was right in the world. "…and Tony?"

"Yeah?" He refused to look at her once she had moved away; his eyes instead were firmly fixed on the thruster upgrade on his table.

"Nothing." Darcy shook her head before promptly turning around and leaving. She knew he would be finishing off that bottle of scotch he had thought was well hidden under his table once she left the room, but there wasn't much she could do about it.

She felt a couple of tears run down her cheeks, but she quickly wiped them away. She had work to do and she didn't have the time or the knowhow to fix Tony, mostly when he didn't want fixing.

"JARVIS keep me informed of Mr. Stark's whereabouts." Walking towards the elevator, she stuck her hands into her hair to remove the pins and fluff it out.

"Of course, Ms. Lewis. Should I also inform you if he opens a second bottle of scotch?"

"That is the standing order." Leaning back against the elevator car, she watched as the door quickly closed and wondered why she cared so damn much when all it caused her was pain.

* * *

Later that day Darcy found herself once again in Tony's lab, this time perched on one of the worktables. She had a bit of down time after she ordered the donation to the charity and informed Pepper of Tony's return. He hadn't had anything to do that day, nowhere to go, and bar another alien attack she knew he would simply spend his day drinking and tinkering.

This was typical of them. Neither of them was willing to acknowledge when they had a moment or a fight, always continuing on as though nothing had happened. Nothing was different this time around, and that was what led to their current situation.

"Not that I don't enjoy the sight of those lovely legs, but there are chairs you could sit in." For the fifth time in as many minutes Tony had to force his gaze away from the sight of Darcy's bare legs. He wished she would wear hose, but when the thought of her in a pair of back-seamed thigh-highs crossed his mind he decided her way was probably better.

"What, my legs distracting you?" Darcy spread her legs just a little before slamming them shut.

Tony groaned at the sight. This was what it was always like between them. They flirted until both of them were so wound up that one of them inevitably said something to upset the other and then stupid things happened, like Tony wallpapering his PA's walls with posters of that Bieber-Beiber-Beeper…whatever, brat. It could get really ugly actually.

Regardless Tony wheeled his chair so he was now in front of Darcy, his hands landing just above her knees, fingers slowly digging in.

"Babe, you could distract a priest." His fingers pressed a little harder before loosening again, though he refused to let go.

"You're no priest." Darcy leaned down until her nose almost touched his, her breath fanning out over his mouth. It would be so easy to take those last couple of inches and press her lips to his, but Darcy feared what kind of trouble she would get them into if she did. Not that they weren't already headed that way at the moment.

"I'm also no innocent. You should really watch how close to the fire you get, Baby." He ran his fingers up her legs just until he reached the hem of her skirt before pulling away and wheeling back to his own table.

Darcy huffed, her whole body flushed. That wasn't the first time he had touched her, but it was the first time he had been so daring. Her legs still tingled where his fingers had pressed.

"I'm not all that innocent either." She leaned back to rest the palms of her hands flat on the table behind her. She had often wondered how far they would take their little game before everything blew up quite spectacularly in their faces.

"Compared to me?" He lifted a single brow at her, daring her to refute him. He had done things that made prostitutes blush long before she had been even out of diapers…and if that didn't make him feel like a dirty old man.

"Fine, I'm a blushing virgin to your modern day Casanova, I get it." Reaching beside her she grabbed a stale bowl of popcorn…popcorn she was sure had been there for over two weeks…and placed it in her lap. Bored, and just a little annoyed, Darcy started flicking kernels at Tony.

"Stop that Little Girl." Tony practically growled out, though he would deny it. He was frustrated and bothered by his interest in his PA, even if he was almost eighty-percent…ok maybe seventy-percent sure that she was just as interested as him.

"Who? Me?" She threw a couple more, the buttery kernels sticking in his hair and one bouncing off his shoulder.

Tony turned around glaring at her; the little imp was smirking as she picked up another piece from the bowl.

"I wouldn't if I were you." This game he knew, he had played it before with women much older and worldlier than Darcy. Still he couldn't remember having so much fun before.

"Why, what're you going to do, spank me?" Oh, she was treading on dangerous ground. She knew; she knew he knew it, but at the moment she didn't give two fucks. The smirk that spread across his face was enough to egg her on.

"Good suggestion." Fuck, he was going to lose, lose so fucking bad.

Darcy stuck her tongue out and tossed the piece in her fingers, watching as it bounced off his nose. She held in her laugh when his eyes went cross-eyed, pressing her teeth harshly into her bottom lip.

"One more time, Darcy, I'm not playing." Pepper was going to kill him; Cap was going to kill him. Fuck Thor would probably smash him with his hammer.

"Yes you are." Darcy grabbed a handful and tossed the whole buttery, salty mess at him. She squealed as he jumped up from his chair and tackled her to the ground. The room filled with laughing as he wrestled the bowl from her, tossing it away once he had it.

Tony wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her up and walking back to his chair.

"What are you doing? Tony?" She wiggled around ineffectively in his arms, suddenly realizing she should have listened to him.

"I told you I wasn't playing." Tony sat down and placed Darcy across his lap, his hand lifting up before smacking down on her ass in one swift movement.

"TONY!" Darcy wriggled in his lap, Tony's smacks held no sting he was landing so gently. Another smack landed square on her ass, his hand coming just a bit harder, though still not enough to sting.

Both of them were a bit preoccupied, so it was understandable that neither of them heard the lab door opening until they heard a voice.

"Damn it Tony, I thought we agreed you were to lock the doors when you were playing." Bruce looked over to Tony exasperated, this wasn't the kinkiest thing he had walked in on Tony doing; at least they both still had clothes on.

The room went silent as Tony stilled, his hand raised mid swat and his face frozen as he looked at his friend across the room. He hadn't thought about it until that moment, but he found he was currently worried that the Hulk would rip him to pieces. Both sides of Bruce had taken a liking to Darcy, and he was sure he wouldn't take kindly to what he was doing.

Darcy turned her head to where Bruce stood in the doorway. She knew her face was most likely bright red from embarrassment. She really should have listened to Tony when he said he wasn't playing…damn!

"Oh shit! Um…sorry, Darcy." Bruce could feel his own face going bright red. Everyone knew that Tony and Darcy had been dancing around an attraction, there was even a pool going around the Tower about when they would just break down and have sex. Bruce was beginning to think Clint would've won had he not interrupted. As it was Tony had let go of Darcy and the girl was standing up and straightening her clothes.

"Um, don't mention it. Right, so I have work to do….yeah, bye." Darcy rushed past Bruce, refusing to look back. She was sure Tony was smirking, the ass.

"So, I'm afraid to ask…" Bruce stuffed his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels. He had caught Tony with girls before, and in worse positions, but he found himself a little speechless. What did one say when they found their friend spanking their PA?

"She was throwing popcorn." Tony indicated the little pieces of white pops scattered across his floor with a wave of his hand.

"And that meant you had to spank her?" He really wasn't seeing the logic there, then again the moment he understood Tony's logic was the moment they needed to commit him.

"She was asking for it." Tony shrugged his shoulders and turned around. That was probably one of the more stupid ideas he ever had. He was sure had Bruce not interrupted he would have stripped her down and taken her there in the shop.

"Tony, Darcy is not one of your women that you can sleep with and ignore the next day. Besides the fact that she is your PA, she is also friends with a Norse god. I really don't think you want to see what Thor will do with that hammer if he ever got wind that you hurt Darcy." Dear Lord, he hoped Tony realized how lucky he was that it was him that had interrupted them. Had Thor been the one he doubted Tony would even be alive right now.

"I'm not going to hurt her. That is the last thing I want to do." Sure he liked to piss her off, annoy the hell out of her, but he couldn't stand the thought of actually hurting her.

"Good, so next time think before you act." He was probably wasting his breath, but he cared for both of them and he didn't want to see what kind of shitfest went down if things went wrong.

"Fine, fine." Though wasn't that the problem, Tony thought, neither of them ever seemed to be able to think before acting around each other. It would probably get them both killed one day.

* * *

Darcy flopped down face first on her bed, groaning as she thought back on what had just happened. She had never been spanked before, it had always rankled something in her. A past boyfriend had tried, thought it would be cute and kinky, all it got him was a black eye and the end of a relationship.

Oh she wanted to hit Tony, sock him right in the face for what just happened, but she had to admit that it was partly her fault. He had warned her, and she should have listened, but she really wanted to push his buttons after what he did concerning the benefit.

Rolling over, Darcy glared up at the ceiling. Why did it have to be Stark, why did she have to find herself attracted to god damn Tony Stark? She was just asking for it really.

A loud beep echoed through the room, an alert from JARVIS of her next appointment. With an annoyed groan she stood up and straightened her clothing, she had work to do and she couldn't be thinking about her boss or the way he could easily pick her up and carry her, and just how strong that meant he was.

With one final sigh Darcy left to make sure everything ran smoothly for Tony fucking Stark.

* * *

Dinner that night was an awkward affair. Darcy sat where she always did, which unfortunately was close to Tony on the couch. Tony had this little smirk on his face while he ate, and it was making Darcy nervous. She knew that look; it was the same look he always got right before he blew shit up.

Though most everyone didn't understand the uncomfortable atmosphere, it wasn't hard to guess where it came from. They all knew how Tony and Darcy interacted, and had seen how they played and danced around each other in some sort of weird mating dance.

The only one that actually knew for sure what was wrong was Bruce, and he sat as far away from the two as possible. His face was still bright red from earlier, the memory of Darcy flung over Tony's lap with her ass high in the air just wouldn't dislodge from his brain.

Tony continued to smirk as he set his empty plate aside and pulled a bag from the floor beside him onto his lap. He kept his eyes locked on Darcy as he unzipped the bag and reached inside.

"Anyone up for a game?" He delighted in the pink that began to rise up Darcy's neck and the wary look she gave him.

"Tony, the last time you asked that you blew up an entire block." Bruce would never forget that day. Why anyone thought it would be a good idea to play baseball with the Hulk and Iron Man he had no clue.

"It's not like that, I promise. No Hulk, no exploding balls, just a simple and safe indoor game." So maybe Avenger baseball hadn't been his best idea, but no one could claim that they didn't have fun. Plus in his defense the block he blew up had been abandoned anyway, he had actually saved the city money by demolishing the buildings for them.

"Fine, what game do you want to play?" Bruce could have cursed out loud at the evil smirk that spread across his friend's face. More so when he realized that Tony had yet to remove his eyes from Darcy. This was bound to end badly.

Tony pulled his hand from the bag and held up two paddles in front of him. "What do you think? Are you ready to be spanked….in a game of Ping-Pong?" He lifted a single brow, holding back a laugh as Bruce choked on his food.

Darcy felt heat climb straight up from her neck to cover her entire face. Even the tips of her ears burned. She thought about taking those damn paddles and busting them over his head, but in the end she just stuffed her plate at Jane beside her and jumped from the couch.

"Um, I…I'm actually a bit busy. Lots of work as Stark's PA, lots and lots to do! I probably shouldn't have even stopped for dinner…so right, I'm going to go now and do…do work. Night everyone!" She ignored the look Jane sent her way and just rushed off to her room. If she stayed she feared she would actually cause harm to Tony, possibly even kill him.

"What the hell was that about?" Clint had never seen Darcy act so strange. Sure she wasn't necessarily normal, being insane enough to actually befriend superheroes, but this was a new level of strangeness for the young woman.

"You are playing a dangerous game, Tony. Remember what I told you earlier?" Bruce leaned forward in his chair, trying to catch Tony's eye. Not that his friend would look at him, he was too busy replacing the paddles and zipping up the bag.

"She knows I was just playing. That is what we do, play and tease each other, she will get over it." Tossing the bag behind the couch, he ignored the confused looks of his friends and simply left.

A few minutes later Clint broke the silence that had descended on the room after Tony and Darcy's little display. "Right, so I reiterate; what the hell was that about?"

"You know those two…it was just a joke between them. Tony had better watch it though, because I'm beginning to think Darcy's not going to take it much longer." Bruce really didn't want to think about if that happened.

* * *

Darcy marched back and forth in her room, fuming at the nerve of the man. It didn't matter that most of them had no idea what he had meant, it was enough that she knew. Of course then she remembered that Bruce knew and that just pissed her off even more.

Flopping down on her bed she screamed into her pillow. She was going to make Tony pay, it was time to step things up a notch.


	3. Tango

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **!Warning! Mentions of Suicide and Suicidal thoughts!**
> 
> Last chapter, Darcy pranks Tony, Tony pranks Darcy, Darcy Pranks Tony and a kiss.

There had yet to be another emergency to the extent of the Chitauri invasion, but there were still those out there that thought the world was ripe for the plucking, or at the very least New York. Though there were other superheroes in the world now, the Avengers seemed to be sent out more often than not; as was the case at the moment.

The call to assemble rang throughout the tower, and even though some idiot was terrorizing New York, Darcy couldn't help but smile.

"Should I even ask why you look like you are the one hell bent on world domination?" Clint watched the younger woman out of the corner of his eye as he strapped his quiver on. She had been acting strange lately, well stranger actually.

"You could if you wanted to, but you could also as easily find out for yourself." Darcy leaned back in her chair, twirling around as she brought up the various feeds JARVIS made available during an assemble.

"Darcy, what did you do?" He had known something was up between Darcy and Tony, more than just some inside joke like Bruce tried to claim. Tony had this cheeky smirk on his face whenever she entered the room while she looked flush. The past couple of days though Darcy wore a smile that could rival the fucking Grinch. It was scary as shit.

"Calm your tits Clint, I didn't do anything that will hinder him…just embarrass him a bit." Not that she thought his ego would suffer even a little bit; it was way too big for that. And knowing Tony like she did he would probably find some way to turn it all around in order to gain popularity. Still she would have a lovely memory to brighten her days.

"Darcy…" Clint leaned down, stopping the spinning chair by placing his hands on the arms and effectively pinning the young woman in. He was one of the first that would be on board when it came to playing a prank on Stark, but the thing was he was not the one out of the two of them that loved the man. He could see Darcy's prank going two ways, one ended with them in bed, the other ended very, very badly.

"Shut the fuck up and get out there…" Darcy placed one heeled shoe on Clint's chest, pushing him backwards and away from her. Though as he started for the door she flung her hand out to grab his arm, stopping him in his tracks. "…and hey?"

"Yeah?" Clint raised a single brow, he was wary as he knew any damned thing could come out of that girl's mouth, and at that point he doubted it would be a simple 'be careful.'

"Maybe take a picture for me?" She gave him her most innocent smile, ignoring as he snorted in amusement.

"You two are a menace to society." He shook his head, pulled away and activated the com in his ear. One day those two would cause a scandal too large that not even SHIELD would be able to fix it. He had his money on it involving a very public place and very little clothing…and most likely something blowing up simply for the fact that it was Tony, he always blew shit up.

"Never denied it, but hey you love us for it." Darcy blew him a kiss and batted her lashes, shamelessly flirting with the archer. Her friendship with him was unlike hers with Tony, with Hawkeye she could make naughty jokes and flirt and she knew he would never take it as anything more than harmless play. Tony on the other hand…well there was something more, something deeper about the way they acted.

"You maybe, I'd ditch Stark if it wasn't for the money." The white noise that accompanied the com device flared to life just as Clint spoke, making it so he knew what was coming next before it ever came.

" _Oh, it's nice to know my friends love me."_ Tony's voice buzzed from the coms, echoing through the room as JARVIS patched the system into the tower's speakers.

"Just keeping it real, Stark." Clint winked at a giggling Darcy, finding just as much amusement in her reactions as he did in annoying the hell out of Tony.

" _Well can you maybe keep it real out here?"_ Through the coms they could hear the high-pitched whine of the suit's repulsers before the clink and pop of the bolt of energy hitting its target.

"I'm coming, keep your panties on." Rolling his eyes he grabbed his bow and once more moved towards the door.

" _No can do birdman, I was in the shower when we got the call."_ Tony's voice was filled with laughter.

"Oh, that's a new kink." Darcy could feel her face turning bright red as she was pretty sure he wasn't kidding. For a man that had more clothes than a rich teenage-girl he sure had a thing about going nude.

" _Going commando in the suit get you all hot and bothered, Little Girl?"_ That hint of laugher faded from his voice giving it a dark, velvety quality instead.

"I do happen to feel something churning in my stomach, but I'm sure once I throw up it will be gone." Darcy made gagging sounds to cover her giggles. This sort of back and forth between them during an attack was normal, and though it annoyed the others they refused to say anything. Both Tony and Darcy used humor to deal with tough situations, and what could be more tough than worrying that Tony wouldn't make it home alive?

" _I know you love me, Baby."_ Tony's voice was still thick and smooth, and though one could hear a bit of laughter in there they could also hint something quite sincere.

"I'm with Clint, I'm only in it for the money." It was an old joke, one that neither of them took seriously, no matter what the papers liked to print.

" _Oh that hurts, to the quick Darce, really."_ More laughter, more repulser whining, and more joking to cover the worry.

"I bet, why don't you quit your yakking and actually do your job." Not that it mattered at all, she knew. Tony could take out an army of aliens all the while making first-class snarky jokes.

" _Will do, now do me a favor and give Robin a kick in the ass, we could really use him out here."_

Darcy laughed and did just that. Of course she knew that Clint allowed the hit, as she was sure he could have easily dodged it. All the Avengers thought it was funny to annoy her until she wanted to hit them. Well, all but Bruce that was.

"Watch the heels Darce!" Clint rubbed his hand over his ass. He had allowed her to kick him, but he hadn't actually counted on it hurting; what the fuck were those heels made from?

"Yeah well, Tony is actually right." She knew that Clint still had problems when it came to his role in the team, still dealing with what he had done under Loki's influence. She wished he knew just how important he was to them.

"I'm out, no need for violence." He reached down quickly to ruffle her hair, dodging her hand as she swatted at him.

"Good…and Clint, bring everyone back alive, yeah?" Darcy smoothed down her hair, her voice serious for the first time since everything went down.

"Don't I always?" He winked at her and ran out to join the rest of the team, determined to keep his promise.

Abab

Steve stood in the middle of the street, working to catch his breath. All around him bits and pieces of robots sputtered and sparked; the dying remnants of the day's battle. Not much of a battle actually, who ever created them had done a poor job.

"Well, that was…a bit pathetic actually." Tony landed down beside Steve, his own eyes taking in the sputtering mess. It had all been child's-play, literally as the damned things had been made to look like toys. It had been the most surreal thing he had ever been involved in.

"A little, yes…. Um…" Steve looked from the broken bits of robots to the man standing beside him. He blinked, and then blinked some more. He had been too busy before trying to destroy the stupid things before anyone was hurt that he hadn't actually paid attention to anything else, such as the state of his teammate's suit.

"What, don't tell me you're struck dumb by my awesomeness?" He had totally kicked ass at blowing up those tin soldiers, but seriously it didn't warrant the look he was receiving from Cap.

"No, but I am wondering just what you did to anger Darcy." There could be no one else behind what he was looking at. He knew Clint would try to pull stuff on him, but he also knew the man was far from stupid. Only Darcy could get away with this.

"I didn't…fuck, what did she do to the suit? Darcy-Honey, what did you do to the suit?" It had been a few days since he had spanked her, and seeing as she hadn't done anything he had thought she had either forgotten or given up. He really should have known better.

" _I just thought you needed a makeover, Hot-Rod Red is so last season."_ Darcy didn't even try to hold back her laughter and just outright belted it out.

"Darcy…" The sound of laughter and clicking of several cameras interrupted Tony. Looking around he watched as several civilians made their way out of the buildings with their phones in their hands. All of them were staring at him with either wide-eyes and mouths agape or were bent over in laughter.

Flipping up his face plate, Tony brought one very pink arm up in front of him. He sighed and carefully pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You painted my suit pink, how the hell did you paint my suit pink?" He had been so preoccupied with the assemble and then blasting bots that he hadn't noticed. Then again once inside the suit he couldn't see much of himself, relying heavily on JARVIS.

"Oh, she didn't just paint it pink, but pink and violet. She also bedazzled it." Clint laughed so hard he almost choked. The girl was his new hero.

"Be…give me that!" Tony ripped the phone out of Clint's hand and looked down at the photo on the screen. The entire suit had been painted in Pretty Princess Pink and Violet, with Juicy spelled out in purple rhinestones on the suit's ass. He looked closer at the helmet and closed his eyes.

"Is that a fucking flower crown?" He had just gone through New York killing robots with a fucking flower crown painted on his head. Lovely, just fucking lovely.

" _What, I thought a jeweled tiara would have been overkill."_

"Over…Darcy you better run because as soon as I get home I'm going to give your ass a beating that will make last time look like child's play." He was seriously not kidding either, she would pay and it would be glorious.

A squeaky 'eek' could be heard through the coms before everything went silent.

"What last time?" Steve glared at Tony, the events of the other night finally clicking in his head.

"So not the time, scold me later. Right now I have something to take care of." With that Tony took off, ignoring the shouting of his teammates.

* * *

Jane looked up as Darcy ran into the lab, her arms practically flailing around her as she skidded to a halt in front of her. Without a word she swung around her desk and curled up into a ball underneath.

"Um, Darce, what are you doing?" Jane leaned down to peer under the desk, her eyes landing on her friend that seemed to be trying to make herself as small as possible.

"I think that should be obvious." Darcy's voice was hushed as well as rushed. She doubted it would take Tony long before he returned to the tower, and her ass was literally on the fucking line.

"With you, no, not really." Nothing was ever obvious when it came to Darcy. Jane thought she did that on purpose just to piss off people.

"I'm hiding." There was a 'duh' in there if one actually listened. Darcy really didn't think it needed saying.

"Alright, why are you hiding and from whom?" She had a pretty good guess when it came to whom, and sadly she also figured she knew the why of it too. The only other person Darcy would run from like this was her mother, and she was back in Seattle.

"Because Tony is coming to spank me." Again. Damn, did that man have an obsession with her ass or something?

"I know I'm going to regret this, but why does Tony want to spank you?" That was the last thing she had expected her friend to say, but she knew she should have expected it. She really should have.

"I might have…eep!"

Darcy went silent as the doors to the lab opened once more, this time to one very pink Iron Man. Jane tried to hold her laughter in, but once he turned around looking for Darcy she couldn't contain herself and busted out laughing.

"Laugh it up, but I promise Darcy won't be laughing when I'm through with her." Tony spun from side to side as though if he didn't keep moving Darcy would somehow slip by him.

"Darcy did this?" Jane placed her hand to her mouth as she straightened up and made sure that Darcy couldn't be seen from where she was hiding.

"You know damn well that she did. Now where is she, I know she's here." He moved chairs, looked behind filing cabinets, he even opened the small supply closet in the corner.

"Then you're wrong, I haven't seen her since breakfast." She shrugged her shoulders and leaned against her desk. Sure, Darcy might have deserved what she got for tampering with the suit, but sisters before misters, or whatever the hell it was Darcy was always sprouting off at her.

"I very much doubt it, she always runs to you. Now, JARVIS?" The only other one he knew she would go to had been with him, and as he had a lead on the others he doubted Thor had gotten there before him.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Where in Jane's lab is Darcy hiding?" This was his tower, and Darcy was a fool if she thought he wouldn't be able to find her.

"Miss Lewis is not currently located in the lab, Sir?"

"What…but she…where is she?" He had been sure, she always ran to Jane's lab.

"Her last known location was your private lab, Sir."

"My…goddamnit!" Tony turned and headed for the door, stopping just before he reached it to look back at Jane. "If you see her before I do, let her know that this time I won't be so gentle." With that he turned and rushed off towards his lab.

Once he was a good deal away and it was obvious that he wouldn't be returning, Jane stepped back to allow Darcy to move from under the desk and stand up.

"Darcy, what did he mean about this time?" She had a horrible feeling, a horrible, horrible feeling.

"Um, well you see…" Darcy scratched the back of her neck while she refused to look at her friend. She could feel her face returning to the bright red it liked to stay since everything happened a few days ago.

"Oh my god, please tell me you two haven't been doing kinky daddy stuff?" A horrible, terrible, nightmare inducing feeling.

"No, there has been no kinky daddy play. He did spank me once, but only once!" Darcy held out her hands as Jane's mouth dropped open. Damn, that really had not sounded good at all.

"I don't want to hear it!" Jane placed her hands on her ears and turned away. Oh good lord she would not be able to look Tony in the face for a long time.

"Nothing to tell really anyway, it didn't go very far because Bruce walked in." In the past few days she had wondered what would have happened had Bruce not caught them. Would the two of them finally have slept together, or would Darcy have just gotten mad and done something like punch him?

"Bruce caught you two? Shit, no wonder he has been acting so weird." The poor guy had been turning bright red whenever he entered in the lab, making Jane worry that he was on the edge of hulking.

"Yeah well, it was his fault for not knocking." Darcy refused to look at the other woman knowing her whole body would turn pink if she did.

"I think it was more your and Tony's fault for getting dirty where Bruce was able to interrupt in the first place." God, Jane hoped it hadn't been in the common room. She had enough memories of a drunk and naked Tony there; she didn't need any of those two's kinky playtime.

"It wasn't dirty, we were just playing." Sort of, mostly, ok maybe not really at all, but Jane didn't need to know that. In fact she didn't _want_ Jane to know that.

"Playing…right. Look, not that I don't enjoy talking about your strange love affair with Tony…"

"It isn't a love affair!"

"Keep telling yourself that. Anyway, I have work to do and I'm sure eventually Tony will realize that JARVIS lied to him and will return looking for you." Jane didn't want to be anywhere near those two when Tony found her. No one should have to be around when that happens; she wouldn't even wish that on Loki.

"Damn, you're right. Fuck, you would think in a tower this big there would be good hiding places." She hadn't thought very far beyond instructing JARVIS to lie about her whereabouts. Now she realized she should have thought everything out before she had painted the suit.

"There are, but I think Clint is the only one that knows them all, besides JARVIS that is." Jane swore that the archer probably knew a few that were hidden from even the AI's sensors. That man spent more time hiding out in the ducts than any other room in the tower. It was worrisome actually.

"Oh! Hey Clint owes me a favor! Thanks Jane, and if I don't see you again before Tony kills me I want you to know I love you, I really do." Darcy grabbed ahold of Jane, pulling her to her rather dramatically into a hug.

"I love you too, now go, I give Tony ten maybe fifteen more minutes before he realizes what happened." Laughing, Jane pushed Darcy from her and towards the doors. It seemed sometimes like the younger woman lived in a bad sitcom with the way she acted. Of course, not that Jane would have changed her for anything.

"Shit…bye!"

* * *

Clint had only been far too happy to show Darcy one of his many hiding places, but as it turned out it was only because allowing her to would help him win a bet. Not that Darcy was really complaining, she scratches his back and he will scratch hers, it was a win-win in her opinion.

Darcy wasn't sure how long she should wait, but after a few hours where her ass went numb and her legs had fallen asleep she figured to hell with it and slinked off to her room. It was nearing dinner and she was hungry, sadly she was also filthy and covered in dirt and cobwebs, she didn't even want to think about what was crawling in her hair at the moment.

Her bathroom light was on as she headed to take a shower, but she hadn't thought anything of it as she had a bad habit of leaving lights and things on. Though after what had happened that day she really should have.

She realized this when she stepped out and wiped the steam from the mirror just in time to watch as her skin began to turn a very vibrant shade of blue. It was an old school prank, tampering with bath products; then again she figured Tony was old school…which totally didn't make her feel weird when she thought about her attraction to him, nope not at all.

Taking a moment to calm herself, she bit back the scream that was on the tip of her lips and carefully took a breath in before speaking.

"JARVIS, why didn't you inform me that Tony tampered with my things? I thought we had an understanding." Darcy leaned into the counter, peering at herself as closely as she could in the mirror. At least it seemed as though whatever Tony used reacted to skin only, she would have outright killed him had he turned her hair as well.

"I am sorry, Ms. Lewis, I have aided you to the best of my programing."

"You mean to say that Tony gave you a direct order? Perfect." Darcy sighed, she always missed something.

"I am sorry, but my programing won't allow me to go against a direct order given by Mr. Stark."

"That's alright JARVIS, not your fault. Of course that just means I'm going to be poking around in your coding later to…amend…Tony's fail-safes; for his own good of course." It would be best to have one person that could override Tony's commands should something, say alien mind-control, compromise him. No one would disagree she was sure; it was a legitimate concern after all. It was just a lucky coincidence that it benefited her as well.

"Of course Ms. Lewis, very good."

* * *

"Oh hey, it's Princess!" Clint dodged the pair of sunglasses Tony tossed his way and just continued to eat his pizza. The paintjob Darcy did on the suits had been perfect enough, but the rhinestones and flower-crown just topped the cake. If he didn't worry that Tony would order JARVIS to kill him in his sleep he would marry that girl.

"Fuck off, Katniss." He had to admit that Darcy had gotten him. The prank, while childish, had been rather public and he was sure pictures of his new suit were already spreading over the internet. Had he been anyone other than who he was it would have been a PR nightmare, but after the whole Lady Godiva debacle of seven years ago everything else just seemed tame.

"Aw, someone put a pea in your bed?" Clint doubted the princess jokes would get old anytime soon; he had several years of Disney references to go through.

"I said fuck off. Don't think I don't know it was you that helped hide Darcy." It hadn't taken him that long to figure out that Jane and JARVIS had lied to him, only Darcy had been nowhere in sight when he returned to the astrophysicist's lab. When he continued to be unable to locate her he had realized who was to blame.

"Never planned to lie." Clint bit off the end of a slice, chewing loudly and obnoxiously all the while smirking at the other man. The two of them had a sort of game where Clint tried to get one up on JARVIS. The fact that Tony had been unable to find Darcy meant that he had won once again.

"Well thank you." Tony smiled widely, just keeping himself from laughing at the fallen look that came over Clint's face.

"Aw fuck, what did you do?" Clint set his slice on his plate and flopped fully back in his chair. That smile from Tony was never good.

Tony just shrugged his shoulders as he sat down at the table, filling his plate with several slices of pizza.

"Tony, what did you do? If you did anything…" Steve sat up straighter, practically glaring at Tony. He would be lying if he said that he hadn't found Darcy's prank funny, but he didn't like the look on Tony's face.

"No need to get your panties in a twist Cap, I didn't hurt her." Why did everyone think he would knowingly harm Darcy? It pissed him off that anyone would think that of him.

"You two need to stop this before one of you does get hurt." He feared that eventually one of them would go too far, and he had a pretty good idea that it would be Tony.

"She was the one that started it." So, that didn't sound childish at all.

"And you should end it; you're the adult in this situation." Though sometimes Steve thought that was an overstatement; Tony could be worse than a five-year old.

"Fucking hell, she's not a child, Cap. You make me sound like a dirty old man." Tony normally didn't care about what people thought of him, he did what he wanted and enjoyed. Still he had a hard time dealing with the fact that he was attracted to a woman young enough to be his daughter. He had used women in the past, been with women both older and younger, but never as young as Darcy. He knew what people would say, that he was a cradle-robber or she was just a money-hungry whore. Either way he hated it, she deserved so much more.

"Well…" Clint lifted a single brow and smirked at Tony.

"Shut it Birdie, I'm not the one that got caught with a half-dressed sixteen-year old in my lap." Hadn't that been a scandal, one that Darcy and Pepper had been able to quickly quash…with the media at least, no one in the tower would allow him to forget it.

"Hey! Nothing happened; she jumped on my lap just as you guys rounded the corner. It's not my fault she couldn't take no for an answer." That girl had been insistent. He had tried to let her down easy, but when she still wouldn't let it go he had become quite rude. The problem was that she just seemed even more turned on by that and had actually jumped in his lap and tore at his clothing. Though embarrassing, he had been relieved when the others rounded the corner and Darcy had forcefully pried the girl off him.

"Child or not, you need to put an end to it." Steve tapped the table to bring Tony's attention back to him. Sometimes it felt like running a daycare around the tower.

"We're just having a bit of fun; it isn't….oh shit it worked!" Tony smiled so wide just about every one of his teeth could be seen. He snorted loudly before doubling over in laughter.

Everyone in the room turned to look at what had Tony in stitches, their eyes widening as they watched Darcy walk into the room…a very blue skinned Darcy that looked ready to kill. Without a word everyone backed their chairs away from Tony and the oncoming line of fire.

"Old school Tony, old school." Darcy pressed her balled fists against her hips, eyes set straight at Tony. The look, while normally intimidating, was lessened by the fact she was as blue as a blueberry.

"Yeah, cliché, but I'm not the one walking around looking like a Smerf." Tony wondered how much trouble he would get into if he tampered with her shampoo. She really needed the blonde hair to go with the blue skin.

"Blue I may be, but this will eventually fade and you will still look like that." Darcy waved her hand up and down at Tony, a silly little smile tipping up the corner of her mouth.

"I know, devilishly handsome." Tony preened, polishing the nails of one hand on the shoulder of his shirt.

"I was talking more about the unfortunate facial hair and the fact that it looks like you have an ass for a face." If there was one thing Darcy was good at it was snarky comebacks, she could snark with the best of them, Tony included.

"You do hurt me so, is that the best you've got sweetheart?" This is what he had been hoping for when he had made that Ping-Pong joke. Darcy had never just run away before, she always gave as good as she got. It was one of the main reasons he had found himself attracted to her.

"No, but I figured once you see what I did to your other suits…" Darcy shrugged her shoulders and flung one hand up in the air. She stood there watching as Tony's smile fell completely, his eyes growing huge as he realized she wasn't lying.

"What the fuck?!"

Tony shot up from his chair, running to his lab as though the hounds of hell were on his heels; all the while Darcy just sat in his place and started eating his dinner.

"What did you do to his suits?" Steve had hoped Darcy would have decided to act the adult as Tony sure wasn't. Sadly he was only to be disappointed.

"I didn't exactly do anything…" Darcy hedged, well sort of hedged; she never actually planed on hiding what she did.

"Darcy…"

"Well I didn't, JARVIS on the other hand…" Darcy smirked and took a large bite of pizza. She ignored Steve's 'glare of disapproval,' she had been the focus of that glare many times even though he knew it never had an effect on her.

"Good Lord, Darcy how did you get JARVIS roped into this?" Steve expected this sort of behavior from Tony as well as Darcy, but he had figured the AI had sense enough to not involve himself in his creator's pranks.

"Easy, he likes me better." Darcy shrugged, she wasn't about to tell them how she actually gained the AI's loyalty.

"He was programed by Tony, how could he like you better than his creator?" Steve might not be some super-scientist, but he figured it was just logical that a creation's loyalty would be to its creator.

"Who wouldn't like me better, right JARVIS babe?" Darcy winked in the general direction of one of JARVIS's cameras and gave a closed mouthed smile.

"Affirmative, Miss Lewis."

"See?" She wondered why everyone always questioned her, by now they should know to just go with the flow.

"Alright, fine, but what did you do?" Steve doubted that she painted the other suits; neither her nor Tony liked to repeat a prank. Though the only other possibilities he could think up worried him.

"I may have convinced JARVIS to set up a little performance." She twirled the finger of one hand in the air. She was purposely being annoying. It was sad what things amused her, very sad.

"What kind of performance?" Visions of the suits reenacting some battle raced across Steve's mind.

"Well, at this very moment Tony will be getting a private show including lap dances from his suits to the tune of _Cell Block Tango._ " Darcy had considered doing _'Rose Tint My World'_ from Rocky Horror, but she had just watched _Chicago_ the day before she came up with the prank and the idea just sort of stuck.

"What?!" Clint moved forward on his chair, practically bouncing.

"Oh yeah, and in full costume too. I've had this baby in reserve for some time, decided after giving me blue skin he kind of deserved it." It would deserve him right too if she put it up on YouTube; she had a fucking press meeting the next day!

"Oh please, oh please tell me you are recording it!" This was better than the Princess Suit, way better. Damn, but he could've kissed her right then. Well, if it wouldn't get him punched in the face by both Tony and Steve.

"Like I would miss that opportunity. There will be an encore presentation after dinner in the common room." Darcy winked and continued to finish off Tony's meal. She wondered if Tony would take the time to appreciate how long it took her and JARVIS to get the suits to move like that.

* * *

Tony didn't emerge the rest of the night, and for a while Darcy just thought he hadn't wanted to deal with the ribbing his team was sure to give him over her last prank. Though as the night wore on and he never showed up at her door to confront her she began to worry.

"JARVIS, where is Tony right now?" She hadn't thought her prank would do anything other than annoy him, but with Tony one never really knew. He had triggers that he refused to acknowledge, even after it caused him to try and beat the crap out of Cap.

"Sir is currently on the landing pad."

A churning started in her stomach, there were only two things he ever used that pad for and she doubted he was in his suit at the moment.

"Please tell me that he isn't drinking?" It was a stupid question. Why did she always have to voice her stupid questions? One day she would have to get a handle on it, but today would not be that day.

"I'm afraid I cannot do that, Ms. Lewis. Sir is about to finish his first bottle."

"Damnit! Did Tony have an attack?" She willed the AI to tell her no, to tell her that Tony was just working off some steam.

"I cannot answer that."

"Which actually means that he did and ordered you not to tell me. Perfect, just fucking perfect." Darcy slipped into the oversized hoodie she had stolen from Thor, and headed out of her room. "Fine, don't tell him I'm coming or he will just take off."

"Of course, Ms. Lewis."

* * *

Darcy leaned against the doorframe leading out onto the landing pad. Her eyes were glued to the man currently laid flat on his back, mostly empty bottle of scotch in one hand. All their joking and playing aside, she knew that Tony hadn't been dealing with the events of the Chitauri attack well.

He had been silent about his nightmares, insomnia, and anxiety attacks. Had it not been for JARVIS Darcy wondered if she would have ever known. She had confronted him about it once; of course it hadn't ended well. In fact it resulted in the first and only real big fight the two had had.

"If you are going to stare at me you might as well join me." Tony waved his empty hand in the air. JARVIS had been supposed to alert him if anyone was approaching; then again he had also been instructed to keep Darcy in the dark.

"You know drinking alone is a bad idea." Darcy took a couple of steps out onto the pad. She had never liked that particular area of the Tower, it was just too far up and with too few protections from falling. Still, at the moment she was more scared of a drunk Tony jumping off than her falling.

"So I've been told." Tony laughed humorlessly. He knew he was a walking billboard for alcoholism; he could put multiple checks beside each item on the check list. Hell, he was sure there were a few items added just because of him. The problem was, even though he acknowledged it, he didn't care a fucking shit about it.

"It's also a really bad idea when you've had a panic attack." Once Darcy had realized what had been going on with Tony, she had tried to find ways to help. What she found had been confusing to say the least. Some doctors said the use of anti-depressants was the best course of action, others said they just exasperated it. Some said therapy, and others still suggested diet regulation and exercise. The one thing they all agreed on was that alcohol was a bad idea.

"I prefer to call it therapeutic." Tony sat up and took a long swallow from his bottle, saluting the woman behind him once he finished.

"It's called self-medicating, and you know it only exasperates it." With a huff Darcy curled herself beside Tony, her legs bent up underneath her hoodie.

"Only until it numbs it." Once he drank enough the attacks didn't bother him. That fear that they brought would fade away, at least for a while.

"Damnit Tony, are you looking to kill yourself?" This was what she had been worried about, that the next time would be the last time and he would choose to end it all. It frightened her that one night JARVIS would wake her up to inform her that he had killed himself. She hated it, and she hated him for it.

"Fuck, maybe." He couldn't lie, not about this. He had thought many times over the years about offing himself, but lately those thoughts had actual weight to them. That scared the shit out of him, and yet when he had dreams and vision of the attack, when that fear overwhelmed him…well during those times he could see taking that last leap and not be frightened.

"Tony…" Darcy felt bile rise in her throat, this was all feeling just a little too close to her nightmares. She pulled her legs from the hoodie, curling them under her as she turned so she could place one hand on Tony's arm.

"Don't Darce, just don't." He placed his free hand over Darcy's on his arm, squeezing it momentarily before removing her hand.

"What triggered it this time, it wasn't…" She felt sick that she had driven him to this, that it had been her fault. It was all supposed to be a bit of fun…that was all.

"No, it wasn't your little show…nice one by the way, just please don't post it on YouTube, there is enough Iron Man suit kink out there." Actually he was very impressed by her prank. Not only had it been funny, unexpected, and embarrassing, it had tested how well JARVIS could control the suits and keep them in sync.

"I really don't want to know how you know about that." She couldn't help but laugh. There was a lot of Iron Man fanworks out there; fiction, art, fanvids and the like. The strangest thing that she had found though was the porn: from Tony Stark lookalikes to anatomically correct Iron Man suits.

"Probably how you know about it." He had been surprised, though not really shocked at the things he had found. What had stunned him though was the large file of Iron Man porn found on his PA's computer.

"Did you…never mind, just tell me what happened if it wasn't me." She lifted her hand to once again set it on his arm, but stopped just inches away. Her hand hovered in the air a moment, just as she was about to set it down Tony reached out and grasped it in his.

"Nothing really…" He twined his fingers with Darcy's, his thumb moving back and forth along her skin. He thought about pulling her against him, but just kept their hands down between them.

"Tony, stop bullshitting me or I'll just bring up JARVIS' video feed." Darcy ignored the fluttering in her chest caused by the way he was holding onto her hand. She could get all schoolgirl-y later when she was alone, but right now she needed to know what had happened so she could help Tony.

"By the way, I want to know how you gained my AI's loyalty." He had a sneaking suspicion how, but he was realizing when it came to the woman next to him you never really knew.

"Tony…" Darcy moved a little closer, the nails of the hand he held digging in just enough to tell him that she wasn't up for playing around.

"Darce, I wasn't bullshitting, it really wasn't anything in particular. After I sorted out the mess you made in my lab I started work on a new design I've been planning out and just sort of…" Letting go of the bottle, he twirled his free hand in the air.

"Of?"

"…lost it, not sure how else to describe the shit that is going on with me. I fucking lost it, one minute I'm fine and the next I can't breathe. I started shaking and all I could do was stand there and will myself not to scream. I was fucking scared, fuck! I was scared and I actually thought I was going to die." He wished he could describe it better, but he couldn't. He was fine and then he turned around and he was not, it was as simple and as complicated as that.

"They are just attacks Tony, not real." She could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, and Darcy cursed them. Right now Tony didn't need some weeping girl pitying him.

"You don't…you don't know. Have you ever had your body just take over, panic without your approval? You can't stop them, it's like you're trapped in your mind, you know what is going on, can see it but you can't do anything about it. It is fucking real, and I just want it to go away." He had never felt like that before, as though he were a prisoner in his own body, a body that betrayed him and refused to listen. It was claustrophobic and horrifying, and he would do anything he could to get it to fucking stop.

"Drinking is not going to stop them." Darcy knew it would only make them worse and cause more of them.

"No, but I sure as hell won't care." If drinking would numb them, if it would allow him to forget for a while then he would drink until he passed out.

"Well I do." Her voice was a bit sharper than she had planned, but at the moment she didn't care. She wasn't about to sit there and watch him be swallowed by a pit of despair and kill himself.

"What, care? You care about your job, about keeping my public image clean, about having a bit of a laugh. That is fine, I get it…" Oh, he knew he was lying through his teeth. He knew she cared, maybe not the same way he cared for her, but she wasn't as indifferent to him as he was making her sound.

"No you idiot, I care about you. You can fuck the job and the image for all I care. I would give up the money in a heartbeat if it meant you were okay." She would live in a fucking box if it meant he would be happy and healthy.

"I doubt that…" Tony laughed, picking his bottle back up to down the rest of the scotch.

"Tony, goddamn it!" Grabbing the bottle out of his hand, Darcy tossed it over the edge and down to the balcony of the next level. She had the urge to run into the tower and pour every last drop of alcohol down the sink.

"Hey, haven't you done enough to me today?" He probably should have seen that coming, it wasn't the first time she had done something like that. In fact that wasn't even the second or third, or hell the tenth time she did that. The woman had a serious problem when it came to other people's drinks…or maybe it was just his.

"Apparently not." She would beat his ass if she thought it would actually help. She would do anything if it would help. She wished he would realize that.

"Damn, fine you care, now could you get me another bottle?" Letting go of Darcy's hand, he leaned back until he was once again lying fully back on the pad. He knew she wouldn't get him anything more, but he hoped it would annoy her enough that she would leave. He needed some time to just think, or well…not think as it were.

"No more Tony. I can't sit around and watch you kill yourself." Darcy curled her legs under her until she knelt beside him, her hands resting on her thighs. She would never abandon him, but she wasn't going to just watch him slowly kill himself without doing something.

"What are you going to do about it?" Tony closed his eyes, unable to look at the woman beside him. He wondered when he had begun to care, when other people's opinions of him had become important. Or at least certain people, most of the public could go fuck themselves for all he cared.

"This." Planting a hand on each side of his head, Darcy leaned down until she could press her lips to his. She hadn't thought; nothing beyond wanting to shock him out of his funk, so when she felt his hot, moist skin against her mouth she froze.

She took a second to savor the feeling before pulling back. Not even a half inch away Tony slid his fingers into her hair and pulled her back down. The kiss was desperate, hot and tasted like the finest aged scotch.

When Tony finally pulled back, his head planting heavily down against the flooring of the pad, all Darcy could do was kneel there trying to catch her breath.

"Alright, I'll give you that _that_ is a bit convincing." Tony felt giddy, like he had when he had been a teenager. It was strange, that a single young woman could make him feel that way.

"Just a bit?" Darcy raised a brow, laughing at the smug little smirk that spread across Tony's face.

"Well I can think of something a bit more if you really want to put in the effort." Tony wriggled his brows, delighting in the loud burst of laughter it caused from the woman above him. He loved hearing her laugh, seeing her smile.

"Really now?" Now that was the Tony she had fallen for, cocky, funny, and all self-satisfied smiles.

"Oh yeah, I do owe you a spanking after all." Reaching around he popped her behind, eliciting a loud squeal from Darcy.

"Mmmm, that you do. Until then though." Darcy grabbed his hand, holding it in hers as she reached down. She was an inch from kissing him when he started cackling. "Now why are you laughing?"

"You're really blue." The laughing might have been a mood killer, but he couldn't help it. That had been a pretty damn good prank if he said so himself.

"Yes…and there are thousands of pictures of the Iron Princess all over the internet." Darcy had already begun compiling all of her favorites, making a collage to frame and hang in the common room.

"Oh shit, please tell me that's not the most creative name my fans have come up with?" He loved his fans, but sometimes they weren't the most creative bunch.

"Sorry." Darcy shrugged her shoulders and allowed Tony to pull her down beside him.

"Damn."

"What does it matter anyway, haven't you already started the repaint?" Darcy curled against Tony's side, pulling his arm across her waist until she was completely surrounded by him.

"No, I think I'm going to leave it as is." Smirking down at her, Tony watched the confused expression come over her face.

"You're shitting me, right?" She knew he could be a bit of a diva, but this was taking it to whole other level.

"Nope, I just figured…" He trailed off unsure how to continue. He had always planned on telling her. Then again he had planned on just explaining it away as a precaution because of her being his PA. He wasn't the best when it came to relationships of any kind, but he was pretty sure that kiss changed things between them and he would have to give the real explanation.

"What, Tony what is it?" Darcy reached up, running one finger along the line of his beard. She didn't like that he was once again taking a serious turn.

"After everything that happened, well it just seems like anything could happen and I want to be prepared." He hadn't before thought about what being associated with him would mean, how much danger his friends were put in because of him. Most of them could protect themselves, but Darcy had no powers or weapons, and it frightened him how easily she could be hurt or killed.

"Prepared for what?" She couldn't imagine a situation where a princess Iron Man suit would be needed.

"To protect you." Tony rolled over until he was hovering over her, one arm curled around her and the other running through her hair.

"Wait a minute, what? A-are you giving me the suit?" Darcy blinked up at Tony, surely she had heard wrong.

"I don't want you going out trying to save the world or whatever, but in case anything happens where you're put in danger I want to know that I can protect you even if I'm not there." Every time the Avengers had been called out he worried that that time something would go wrong and she would be hurt while he was away.

"Tony…"

"This isn't actually a new idea, the design I told you I was working on tonight was for you." Actually he had been working on the design ever since he realized he had feelings for her.

"Tony."

"This just sort of makes it a bit easier, I need to alter the programing some and do a bit of a refit since you are shorter and are obviously bigger in certain areas, but other than that…" He doubted Darcy would fit in the current suit; it would take some time but not that long to redesign it to fit her body shape.

"Tony." Tired, and frankly bothered, by his rambling, Darcy reached up to take his face in both her hands and focus him on her.

"What?" Tony's brain just seemed to stop functioning as he felt the heat of Darcy's hands on his cheeks.

"Thank you." The smile that spread across Darcy's mouth was wide and bright. She doubted she would get an 'I love you' from him anytime soon, but the man giving her one of his suits was declaration enough.

"Oh, good, um you're welcome." Brain still shorted out, the only thing he could think to do was lean down and give her a quick kiss.

"You do realize that just because we are, well whatever we are doesn't mean I won't prank you?" Darcy doubted that either of them would ever stop the pranks, she was beginning to realize just how much of all that had actually just been foreplay.

"Probably a good idea as I have an awesome plan to get back at you for that last one." It really would have been a waste if he couldn't use his plan.

"Looking forward to it." And she really was; she was looking forward to all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: So, this last chapter turned out to be a monster. Anyway, this one is done, but I am working on a few more MCU stories. Right now a Fluffy Shieldshock and a Dark Taserhawk. They are both in second development, so whichever one I finish first will be the one I post next.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: Alright, so this took me a while to get out. Sadly it was more than just other fandoms hijacking my muse: I now have no net at home and my comp died so I'm writing on my mum's laptop when I can borrow it. So because of this updates will be far between, mainly just when I get the chance to make it out to the library or take advantage of my store's wifi.
> 
> Now in regards to this story; when I started out I wanted just a five chapter humor piece, instead I ended up with a three chaptered sexy, humorous piece with a good sprinkling of drama/angst. Really it is just a glorified oneshot split into three parts.
> 
> I do have a longer and more complicated Darcy/Tony in the works, one I'm hoping will be around 30 or more chapters, but I will most likely not get it started until mid to late summer if not fall. This was mostly just so I could work on writing Tony and Darcy together more than I already had in my oneshots. I think I've finally figured out how to write them together, how to balance the humor and the angst between them, so hopefully everyone enjoyed it.
> 
>  
> 
>   
> **Disclaimer:**  
>   
>  **All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**


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